Stepping Into Step-Parenthood: Challenges of Being a “Spare Mom”

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Disclaimer:
In this article, I focus on the role and challenges of STEP MUMS, not stepdads. The contents of this article do not apply to every family as each is unique.

You’re a woman. You’re single. You’re ready to mingle. You meet the man of your dreams and then … you meet his children!

Images of the movie Yours, Mine and Ours suddenly flash before your eyes. Are you ready to become a “spare” mum? Will his kids take to you or will they throw tomatoes at you and gouge your eyes out when you are sleeping? (OK, they can’t be that bad, but still, these are frightening thoughts). After all, this is a family that was created long before you arrived on the scene. How are you going to fit in? The baggage attached to this new romance may make you want to run for the hills, screaming.

While some children may welcome step mums with open arms, others may be less enthusiastic about your presence. The situation is exacerbated with society’s stigma attached to the so-called evil step mum, à la Cinderella’s story. If you don’t run for those hills and decide that he’s all worth it, there are a number of challenges to overcome before you can put your feet up and enjoy the many rewards that come with step-parenting.

Challenges to being a step-mom

• If you live with the kids most of the time, you take a load of the usual everyday parenting tasks, like laundry, homework, grocery shopping, and going to their appointments. But when it comes to special events like graduations, your step-children’s biological mom may want to “mark her territory” and firmly delegate you to the side.

• Family rules (or lack thereof), may have been established long before you come onto the scene, but you may have your own rules too. Are the kids supposed to help out around the house? Do they help with setting and clearing the table before and after dinner, do they say “thank you” and “please”? If all this falls in your rule basket but not theirs, you may feel utterly helpless.

• When biological moms vents about the challenges of raising kids, many will lend a sympathetic ear, but when you discuss these same challenges, you may be met with looks that question your abilities as a step mum.

• For kids whose birth parents are still alive, remarriage means the end of hope that their parents will reunite. Even if it has been several years since the separation, kids may often cling to the hope that their parents may reconcile. However, your presence makes this more unlikely, leaving them angry, and often taking it all out on you.

• How well your new partner gets on with his ex will influence how kids treat you. If your man and his ex are still bitter and saying negative comments about each other, it’s difficult for the children to accept any new person in their lives and may see you as a catalyst for this bad blood between their parents.

• As a step mum, you live a life that isn’t really yours. Your role has not been naturally created and most decisions are dictated by your step-children’s biological mom, leaving you feeling powerless in what you can and can’t do.

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Overcoming these challenges:

• Don’t fake it. Kids can spot insincerity in adults very quickly. Your relationship cannot and should not be the same as the one they have with their biological mom, and that’s OK. Let your relationship with them develop organically, unique from the one they already have with their mom.

• Do not bribe your step-children with gifts thinking that you can buy their affection. They may learn to manipulate you for their benefit.

• Give them some time alone with their dad, as often as possible, especially at the beginning of the relationship. This will allow them to be free to discuss anything they may otherwise find difficult to say with you around.

• Be consistent with house rules. This is a challenge when kids have different rules in the two different households. If these rules are contradictory, have a chat with both your man and his ex, to see if common ground can be found. With consistency in rules, there will be no “good cop” and “bad cop” (and we all know who “bad cop” would be).

• In some cases, rushing into a marriage may make the stepchildren question your intentions. So, first, get to know them really well, date their dad for a while before taking big steps like marriage or even babies. This will help you bond with them, learn to deal with their needs, minimize conflict, and improve communication between you and them.

• Don’t take rejection personally. You may expect a close bond with your stepchildren right away and may wonder what you’re doing wrong if they don’t warm up to you but take a back seat and give the relationship time to grow.

• Create your own “traditions” with them like bike riding together every Saturday or Pizza night every Wednesday evening. Again, don’t force it, just have fun.

• Do not use kids as go-betweens or to find out what is going on in their bio mum’s household. They are not your new spies.

• Do not say negative things about their biological mom, especially in front of them. No child likes to hear their parent being criticized, even if the kid is complaining about them to you.

• Talk to their dad if you are struggling. Try and come up with solutions that include you as well as the kids.
  Your relationship with your partner must come first not last. Putting it first doesn’t mean you are compromising your own relationship with the kids. On the contrary, a strong loving connection as a couple will help steer the new family unit in the right direction and will ultimately create a more solid base for the children.

There’s no right way or easy formula to becoming the perfect step-parent. There can be many conflicts and bumps while navigating this rocky new road.

But approaching it with bucket loads of patience and understanding can be so rewarding in the long run, with you becoming their new mentor, friend, and confidant. And who knows, the step mum may end up as the fairy godmother and the bio mum as the evil witch.

Pearl Kasujja-Van de Velde is a dual Ugandan/Belgian national, a mother to two amazing girls, a wife, and a storyteller. To get in touch, visit her website at www.pearlkasujja.com.

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Photos: Unsplash 

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